no prophylaxis for the normal neurosis

This wonderful phrase appears in "Constructing the
Sexual Crucible" by David Schnarch. This is the
most sensible psychology book I've read in some
time. (Perhaps because it's neither self-help nor
pop psychology nor French philosophy, but, apparently,
a text book for practicing therapists.)

The idea of "no prophylaxis for the normal neurosis"
is that modern psychology (for the most part) does
not try to prevent the problems that people in our
society are inevitably going to face. There's a
degree of circularity there -- but what we're talking
about are things like "money stress" or "no common
ground with people who you meet on the street".

The main theme of the book is that most people
are the 'walking undifferentiated'. As a whole we are
not what you would call mature and well-balanced
adults; rather, according to Dr Schnarch, most people
are dependent, anxiety-ridden, and, in particular,
incapable of sustaining a 'healthy' intimacy.

But, per usual with these things, there may be hope.
The idea in this book (I think -- I'm only 136 pages
into it) is to use intimacy -- situations where you
know yourself in and through the presence of another
person -- to build your sense of self. This is as
opposed to mere 'closeness' in which you form
part of a physical system with another person.
Knowledge and learning are key.

The challenge suggested in this book is that
people generally resist growth (as much as some
of us might say how much we love it); they find it hard
and otherwise objectionable. On the hopeful side,
Schnarch's model of intimacy does not demand
reciprocity, trust, or any of the typical fuzzy "pop"
notions of intimacy. It just requires what I
said above -- and when put that way, it appears
that we have many opportunities to try for the
kind of growth that we're sort of sluggish about
effecting.

This seems to be an intimacy without easy
answers. And, until we get more comfortable
in our own skins, with a considerable amount
of frustration and pain.

As for "relationship advice" or how to make this
work, at this point in the book, Schnarch quotes
Gibran:

"Love one another, but do not make a bond of
love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the
shores of your souls."

(I think this quote is quite a wonderful challenge
to the notion of fixed links or relationships between
things... it seems like a good way to express a
connection A<-B->C when all of the terms may be
changing.)